This past year has hands down absolutely been the hardest I have ever lived through..but at the end I am still alive and there is something to be said for that.
2019 broke me down to my lowest points. A place of brokenness and loneliness I didn’t even know was ever going to be possible.
And truth be told, there were days at a time that I just cried and cried uncontrollably. Only stopping long enough to paint on a smile and pop into IG stories as if nothing was wrong.
Just to crumble again the minute we stopped recording.
Because that’s what abuse does. It exiles you. It embarrasses you. It makes you spend days at a time wondering why?
Why would someone who loves me say such horrible things?
Why would someone who promised to be by my side forever make me doubt myself and abilities? Make me feel unsafe in my own home?
Why would someone who truly “loved and valued me” verbally tear me down to the point that even standing up out of bed in the morning was unbearibly too hard?
Why when I try my absolute hardest am I still not enough?
I spent years of my life changing who I was.
Thinking that if I could be better, do more, not-wear-this, not-say-that, not-talk-to-this-person, that things would be better.
But they never were.
Time after time it was me crying and begging to be loved – and time after time I was put down. Crushed. Deflated.
Told I was “useless” and “not enough” and eventually those became the things I thought of myself, too.
And now I am left here. Broken.
While this isn’t my first time to experience brokenness, it is hopefully the most brokeness I will experience for a very long time.
When I was 18 years old and a freshman in college I found out my own parents were divorcing. I thought that would break me.
But it didn’t.
When I was 19 years old someone who I love very dearly reached an ulitmate low place and tried to take their own life in front of me. I really thought that would break me.
But it didn’t.
When I was 23 years old I found out I was 20 weeks pregnant while also unmarried and only a few weeks away from finally graduating college. I definitely thought that would break me.
But it still didn’t.
Yes, each one of those experiences have changed me but I am still here. Still alive.
Each experience has taught me more about myself and helped me grow as a woman.
Retrospectively, I can see all the good that came from those experiences.
Out of a divorce, love and family has multiplied and I am blessed to have two bonus parents and four bonus brothers.
Out of someone else’s brokenness, I have learned compassion and a level of resilence I never imagined possible.
Out of an unplanned pregnancy, I have been given the most amazing gift and opportunity to raise such an incredbile little boy. Truly the biggest blessing of them all.
But it has taken many years, countless tears, and lots of prayer to move through all of it and see that goodness.
Now, at 26 years old, I’ve come to see that the marriage and relationship that I have tried so desperately to sustain isn’t going to last. And I am right back where I was before. Broken.
Typically the word “broken” can have such a negative connotation, but after everything I have ultimately come to think of it in a more “constructive” way.
One of the things I have had the opportunity to learn more about over the past few years is the construction business. My step dad owns and manages his construction company and I’ve picked up some new knowledge and terms over our many conversations about his job.
In the world of construction the phase “breaking ground” is an exciting term used at the start of any project. It signifies the beginning of the building process.
It is the time where the construction crew comes in to clean up the area – removing anything unnecessary and leveling out the ground for a flat, solid foundation.
Before they can build something strong and safe, they first have to break the ground.
Breaking the ground doesn’t mean that is its “ruined” or “destroyed” but instead it sets the entire project up for success. It’s just the beginning.
Right now I am at my absolute lowest and taking the steps to remove anything unnecessary so that I can “level out” for a solid foundation. Not just for myself but also for Jaxon because he deserves the best and I need to make sure he has that.
I wish more than anything for that “picture perfect family” life but the reality is that at 26 years old I am not going to have that, yet.
But the beautiful thing is that I also do not have to feel this brokenness forever.
I can take this as an opportunity to focus back on myself. On being myself. And the best damn version of myself I can possibly be.
At my core I want three things:
- To provide the best life possible for Jax
- To help other parents find their confidence while feeding their children (and enjoy it!)
- To be genuinely happy
So here is to focusing on those 3 things in 2020!
I can’t tell you exactly how but I can promise you now that I wil pour all my love and passion into making this year the best. It is going to be hard but something I know now is that I can do hard things. I can be strong on my own. I just have to be brave and handle this with as much strength and grace as I possibly can.
Right now I am standing in the thick of it but over time I plan to “level out the ground for a solid foundation”. Let’s just call this time “Phase 1” and I so look forward to working through this and being able to share the next “phase”.
And if you are still reading this, I just want to thank YOU for being here and hanging in for the ride. Not being alone and feeling secluded has so much power and I am very appreciative of the support I am blessed with through you and our community.
All my love,